Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader®
OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!
“God bless the Bathroom Reader. A lavatory without it is like a Pinto without a bumper: You could use it, but who’d want to?”
—Gregory H., New Jersey
“I love your books! I have lost count of the prizes I have won on radio stations, drawings, and other contests. When I was pregnant, I actually looked forward to those trips to the can, because I knew that you guys would be there to greet me. My husband sometimes thought I got stuck!! Keep up the good work!!!”
—Jen G., Ohio
“You guys write the funniest, most informative books I’ve ever read! All my friends love the crazy facts and funny stories! Thank you so much for providing the world with something great to do when you’re in the loo!”
—Nathaniel Y., Pennsylvania
“I received Uncle John’s All-Purpose Extra Strength Bathroom Reader for my birthday. I love the book and can’t stop reading it. I got it because I always spend a lot of time in the bathroom, never really reading much, just doing a lot of thinking, so my parents decided that it would be a good gift. And for once, they were right. In one month I have learned more than in 12 years at school! Thanks and keep up the good work!”
—Jon P., Pennsylvania
“This book is very useful for people who were not born in America. I got so many information that I needed to know but had no one to ask.”
—Seung Sun J., South Korea
“Keep on publishing. I need them. Can’t live without them. Help me. I need more. Arggghhhhh…
—Dan F., California
“It all started with the Bathroom Reader 2000 Desktop Calendar, I couldn’t help but skip ahead. Then it was all down the drain from there. I bought the 12th and 13th editions and I’m currently awaiting your next installment. Your articles are great for those with a short attention span like myself.”
—Keith S., Massachusetts
“Everyone here at Tehachapi, Level 2 Yard, Dorm 2, loves your Bathroom Readers.”
—The men at the California Correctional Institution, Tehachapi
“This past Father’s Day I purchased Uncle John’s Great Big Bathroom Reader for my husband. I can tell he enjoys it very much from the laughter coming from the bathroom in the middle of the night. Last week a local radio station held a contest. The question was, “In the movie Lords of Flatbush, how was Sylvester Stallone paid?” My husband remembered reading “25 T-shirts” in your Bathroom Reader. He won tickets to go see the Beach Boys in concert, complete with backstage passes! I couldn’t believe he won. And all because I bought him a Bathroom Reader.”
—Bob and Gloria S., Pennsylvania
“Just got back from my brother’s cottage on Big Hawk Lake near Dorset, Ontario. He had a copy in his bathroom. Once I picked it up it was constantly with me over the next five days, both in and out of the bathroom. Just got home last night and miss the Bathroom Reader already. Good thing you included your Web address which led me where I am right now. Can’t wait to pick up my own copy.”
—Tony H., Ontario
“Congratulations on a superb dynasty of reading material and good luck on future editions. Many a leg has been numbed due to the absorbing nature of your Encyclopedia Commodica.”
—Mac J., Virginia
“To you, dear Uncle John, I place full credit for everything I know.”
—Lauren F., New Jersey
Uncle John’s
Supremely
Satisfying
Bathroom Reader®
The Bathroom Readers’
Institute
Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon
UNCLE JOHN’S
SUPREMELY SATISFYING
BATHROOM READER®
Copyright © 2001 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.
“Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
P.O. Box 1117
Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,
San Rafael, CA (brunsfeldo@comcast.net)
BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp
Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader°
by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute
ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-461-2
E-book edition: November 2011
“Lincoln’s Cabin” from Lies Across America, by James W. Loewen, author of the bestselling Lies My Teacher Told Me. Copyright © by James W. Loewen. Used with the permission of the author. Now available in paperback from Simon & Schuster.
“Great Balls of Fore,” by Ian Cruickshank, was found in National Post Business, February 2000. Copyright © 2000 by Ian Cruickshank. Reprinted with permission from the author and National Post Business.
“Aliens Strutted Around in My Wife’s Pantyhouse,” by Mike Foster. Copyright © 2001 by Weekly World News. Reprinted with permission.
“What’s the Number for 911?,” © 2000 by Leland H. Gregory III. Visit www.wacky911.com for actual, stupid 911 calls, as well as to purchase his audio CD, Wacky 911, and his latest book, What’s the Number for 911 Again? Used by permission from the author and Andrews McMeel Publishing, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111.
“Myth-Adventure: The True Story of Captain Kidd,” originally “Business Ethics: An Oxymoron?” from An Underground Education, by Richard Zacks. Copyright © 1997 by Richard Zacks. Reprinted with permission, from the author. For more on Captain Kidd, be sure to order Pirate Hunter—The True Story of Captain Kidd (www.amazon.com).
“Bank on Us,” by Tom McNichol. Copyright © 1997. This article first appeared in Salon.com, at http://www.Salon.com. An online version remains in the Salon archives. Reprinted with permission.
“TV Immodesty,” by Sheila Muto, staff reporter of The Wall Street Journal. First printed as “From Here to Immodesty: Milestones in the Toppling of TV’s Taboos” in The Wall Strteet Journal, Sept. 15, 1995. Copyright © 1995. Reprinted by permission of The Wall Street Journal, Dow Jones and Co., conveyed through Copyright Clearance Center, Inc.
“Baseball Moon” by Bruce Weber as “Think Tank: If Baseball Expands to the Moon, Be Sure to Back Up Those Fences,” April, 2001. Copyright © 2001 by The New York Times Co. Reprinted by permission from The New York Times.
“Bathroom Feng Shui,” reprinted with the permission of Simon & Schuster from Feng Shui: The Chinese Art of Designing a Harmonious Environment, by Derek Walters. Copyright © 1988 Derek Walters.
“Are You a Tortilla Chip?” from What Flavor Is Your Personality? by Dr. Alan Hirsch. Copyright © 2001. Reprinted with permission. Contact: The Smell & Taste Foundation, Chicago, IL 60611
“Hidden Ads,” by Terry Lefton, was first reprinted as “You Can’t Zap These Ads” in The Industry Standard (March 2001).
“Firsts” and “Automobile Firsts,” excerpted from The Book of Firsts, by Patrick Robertson, copyright © 1974 by Patrick Robertson. Used by permission of Clarkson Potter/Publishers, a division of Random House, Inc.
“Generation X,” by Douglas Coupland, from Generation X. Copyright © 1991 by Douglas Coupland. Reprinted by permission from St. Martin’s Press.
“See You in Hell,” by Kathy Kemp, author of Welcome to Lickskillet: And Other Crazy Places in the Deep Sou
th. Copyright © 1996. Crane Hill Publishers (www.cranehill.com). Reprinted with permission from the publisher.
“Things That Fell from the Sky” from The Book of Lists, copyright © 1978 by David Wallechinsky and Irving Wallace. Reprinted with kind permission from the authors.
THANK YOU!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Javna
John Dollison
Jennifer & Zipper
Jeff Altemus
Jay Newman
Sharilyn Hovind
Michael Brunsfeld
Janet Spencer
Dylan Drake
Selene Foster
Eric Stahlman
Erin Keenan
Kim Weimer
Sharon Freed
Lori Larson
Sam Javna
Gideon Javna
Jeff Cheek
Taylor Clark
Jonathan Lee F.
Howard Richler
Matt Marchese
Abby McGowen
Maggie Javna
Allen Orso
Mike Nicita
Georgine Lidell
Bernadette Bailie
Paul Stanley
Randy Apa
Barb Porshe
Paula Leith
JJWPR Gunnels
Samuel Hartstein
David Hartstein
Mustard Press
Project A
Ricky Meatball
Sarah Cribb
Independent Printing Co.
Digital Image Graphics
Bill Zurynetz
Briana Bergman
Andrea Freewater
Liz Stahlman
Thomas Crapper
Porter
Marley & Catie Pratt
Hi to Dee and Kellar!
“Truth is stranger than fiction—fiction
has to make sense.”—Leo Rosten
Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie!
CONTENTS
NOTE
Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short—a quick read
Medium—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
*Extended—for those leg-numbing experiences
BATHROOM NEWS
Short
Toilet Tech
Medium
Bathroom Feng Shui
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
Wide World of Bathroom News
Bathroom Facts and Figures
Toilet Tech
Uncle John’s Stall of Fame
CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS
Short
Cure for What Ails Ye
Circus Superstitions
Very Superstitious
Medium
The Curse of Macbeth
Long
*Palm Pilot
AMERICANA
Short
“If You Build It, They Will Come”
The Price Was Right
Long
The Real Star-Spangled Banner
*Castle Grande
ANIMALS
Short
Incredible Animal Facts
Strange Pet Lawsuits
Kitty Litter
Yuppie Puppies
It’s a Dog’s Life
Medium
Animals Famous for 15 Minutes
BLUNDERS
Short
Flubbed Headlines
What’s the Number for 911?
What’s the Number for 911?
Medium
Oops!
Unkle John’s Greatest Bloopers
Oops!
Oops!
Long
“The Blast Blasted Blubber Beyond All Believable Bounds”
FORGOTTEN HISTORY
Short
Making His Mark
Medium
Metric Clock
Dustbin of History
American Cannibal
Long
Bad Medicine
Why We Have Postage Stamps
Who Financed the Revolution?
An “Uplifting” Story
Going Postal
*The True Story of Captain Kidd
CANADIANA
Medium
Do You Speak Canadian?
They Always Get Their Man
Weird Canada
BUSINESS
Medium
Timothy Dexter: America’s Luckiest Idiot
Fabulous Flops
Long
“Thanks For Your Money, Have a Nice Day”
Behind Bar Codes
Hidden Ads
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Short
And the Weiner Is
Test Your Egg I.Q.
Eat Your Words
Medium
Are You a Tortilla Chip?
Chocolate Hall of Fame
The Food Quiz
Long
Salt Wars
*Food of the Gods
MOUTHING OFF
Short
Viva Vidal!
Will’s Wisecracks
Desmond’s Discourse
Ford’s Words
The Other Texans
The Sage of Athens
Calvin & Hobbes
High Voltaire
Not Exactly Prince Charming
William’s Wisdom
SPORTS & AMUSEMENTS
Short
Jump Rope Rhymes
Dumb Jocks
Medium
Child’s Play
Great Balls of Fore
Lunar Baseball
They Took The Plunge
Long
*The Birth of Big-Time Sporting Events
FOOTBALL
Medium
The History of Football, Part IV
Long
The History of Football, Part I
The History of Football, Part II
The History of Football, Part III
The History of Football, Part V
*The History of Football, Part VI
HOAXES
Short
Classic Hoaxes
Medium
Classic Hoaxes
You’ve Got Mail!
Urban Legends
Classic Hoaxes
LAW & ORDER
Short
Court Transquips
Looney Laws
Lawyers on Lawyers
Nude Lawsuits
Medium
Dumb Crooks
Celebrity Lawsuits
Strange Lawsuits
Dumb Crooks
Long
Strange Lawsuits
THE REEL STUFF
Short
Box Office Bloopers
Medium
Errol Flynn’s Last Stand
(Not) Coming to a Theater Near You
Video Treasures
The Biggest Cult Movie of All Time
Long
Citizen Kane
MUSIC
Short
You’re My Inspiration
Off Your Rocker
Medium
A (Bad) Night at the Opera
Behind the Hits
Uncle John’s Bottom 10 Records
Country Hits
Behind the Hits
THE NAME GAME
Short
For Your Reading Pleasure
The Name Game
Medium
Founding Fathers
See You in Hell!
PHOTOGRAPHY
Short
Camera Obscura
Medium
World’s First Photograph
Here’s Looking at You
Photography Begins to Gel
Long
“Mirrors With a Memory
Photomania
“You
Press the Button, We Do the Rest”
ORIGINS
Short
Firsts
Firsts
Medium
Firsts
Automible Firsts
Firsts
MYTHS & LEGENDS
Short
Myth-Conceptions
Myth-Spoken
Medium
Aliens Strutted Around in My Wife’s Pantyhose
The Legend of King Arthur
Aesop’s Fables
Myth-America
It’s a Bust
Long
Genuine Fake: Lincoln’s Log Cabin
PHRASES & WORD ORIGINS
Short
“Hoy, Hoy”
Medium
Word Origins
What the #!&%?
Familiar Phrases
Word Origins
Making Small Talk
POP SCIENCE
Short
Random Science Trivia
What’s in Toothpaste?
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Disgusting Facts
Medium
It’s About Time
Q&A: Ask the Experts
How Soap Works
Modern Quackery
Q&A: Ask the Experts
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
PUBLIC LIVES
Short
Celebrity Gossip
Family Feud
Nudes and Prudes
Family Feud
Celebrity Gossip
Medium
Famous for 15 Minutes
The Secret Hitler File
Nudes & Prudes
Crème de la Crud
Family Feuds
Long
Famous for Minutes.com
Famous for 15 Minutes
POP-POURRI
Short
Revenge!
Uncle John’s List of Sixes
If You
Three Near Misses
Uncle John’s Page of Lists
You’re My Inspiration
If You
Aunt Lenna’s Puzzler
Medium
Mow ‘Em Down
Just Plane Weird
Unusual Inventions
Underwear in the News
Dubious Achievers
*Things That Fell from the Sky
THAT’S DEATH!
Short
Famous Last Words
Ironic Deaths
Swan Songs
Medium
They Went Thataway
Rumors of My Death
The Final Edition
Rumors of My Death
They Went Thataway
POLITICS
Short
Poli-talks
Bushisms
Poli-talks
Medium
The Politically Correct Quiz
Long
*Join the Party
THAT’S LIFE!
Short
Ironic, Isn’t It?